


Disaster Plan

by NowThatsDedication



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brother relationship, Erebor, F/M, Humor, Hurricanes, Office drama, Relationship Problems, bagginshield, brokenhearted Kili, more tags to come..., overworked Fili
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-04 14:23:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12170634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NowThatsDedication/pseuds/NowThatsDedication
Summary: A Hobbit modern AU:Kíli’s life is a mess; failed relationships and a series of poor decisions have left him in an uncharacteristically miserable state. He's looking to start over, but he just can't help himself from falling in love...Fili is burnt out; his uncle Thorin is running him ragged at the family business - the one he'll inherit one day. Fili fears he's on the path to becoming a workaholic office tyrant just like his uncle...Until a natural disaster comes rolling through and screws things up even further: now they must deal with floods, breakdowns, a group of bumbling employees trapped in the office, and pending explosions (maybe?).Can Kili finally prove himself to his family (and the girl of his dreams)? Is Fili ready to be a leader? What’s really up with Thorin and that guy from Shiretown?





	1. Chapter 1

Kíli often tried to pinpoint the exact moment everything in his life turned to shit. Just for reference.

It may have been when he quit his job and plunged into a life of failed prospects, false starts, and perpetual unemployment. That was most likely the catalyst for his quick, downhill descent, but what was stinging the most right now was yet another dead relationship, one which essentially ended after a single misguided question….

“Move in with me, my love,” he had asked, giddy about the future – their future.

“Your _what_?”

“You heard me,” but he wouldn't mind repeating it, or shouting it from the rooftop.

“I don't know what you mean.”

“Exactly what I just said.” She must be taken aback, stunned speechless by his declaration! Kíli was impressed he pulled off such a romantic gesture, so suddenly and without warning.

“Like, seriously?”

“What, am I speaking another language or something?” Playing coy, Kíli thought. What a challenge she was! Always full of surprises. His heart thumped wildly.

“Um, I’ve known you for less than a month.”

“I know, but it just feels right,” he reached for her hands and she pulled them away. “Wait, are you rolling your eyes at me?”

“This is going way too fast,” she took a few steps back to demonstrate the need for space. “I've been meaning to tell you that, but you just took it to a whole other level.”

“Yeah, it’s the next level,” Kíli swooned, oblivious to about ninety percent of what she said.

“You’re being clingy.”

“Me? You’re the one who’s been practically stalking me! Showing up everywhere I am, that can’t be a coincidence,” he countered with a lighthearted laugh. “And I don’t mind, by the way. You know why? Because I lov-”

“What is wrong with you!?” she shot back before he could finish. “You’re in love with me?” This time there was no mistaking the eye roll. Or the overall look of disgust. “Give me a break! We barely know each other!”

“But you said we-”

“Wow, Kíli, tone it down! Also, why would I want to stay with you, your place is a dump! You're not even looking for a job, are you?”

“I am! Those things take time. Hey, what about all of our late night talks?” he whimpered. He should have been used to this by now, but it always crushed him. “We have a connection.”

“You know what? I’m done. We would never make it. Let me save you the time and effort and end this right now.”

“Wait, come on! OK let’s give each other some breathing room, a day to think it over, and we’ll see what happens,” he pled. Had he not treated her well? Spent the last of his money taking her to fancy wine bars and buying thoughtful gifts? How could he screw up so badly?

“No. It’s over.” With a toss of her long auburn hair, she was out of his life.

****

 _Kíli Durin is no longer in a relationship with Mary Sue Elfman_ , he later announced to 834 friends, acquaintances, and total strangers, his finger reluctantly tapping the button to officially end another whirlwind romance. What was wrong with him? Even if she wasn't The One, he reasoned, and it was quite possible she never was, why was he so unlucky with love? And everything else, it seemed as of late.

Kíli hated being alone. Maybe this was part of his problem, what led him to fling his heart at the feet of unwilling girls who didn’t know what to do with such an offer. He didn’t really love them, did he? He wasn’t sure what love was anymore.

But he wasn't technically alone; he had a bottle of cheap whiskey to keep him company tonight. Times were obviously bad if this was the best he could scrounge up. He choked it down while pacing around the threadbare carpet, seriously hoping it wouldn't make him go blind or whatever large quantities of poor quality alcohol did to a sad soul.

Fighting to keep his mind from wandering back to the incident, he spent hours, well into the morning, smashing colorful squares on his phone and imagining each one was his heart shattering into a million pieces. Every so often he would catch a glimpse of a sad reflection staring back from the cracked screen, eyes watering from hurt, or the booze, and Kíli barely recognized it.

****

He awoke on the couch, not as hungover as he expected, but still feeling quite shitty. It had not been a restful sleep; the springs poking through the worn cushions and into his back made sure of that. The events of the previous night (and previous months) rushed back before his eyes had even adjusted and forced him to close them once again. It wasn't a bad dream, it was a bad _reality_.

Blinking back into his miserable circumstances, he saw familiar faces, frozen behind glass, staring down from the shelf above him. Family pictures (Kíli was rather sentimental), or, rather, a lineup of people he had ultimately disappointed. He scanned down the row: a faded one of a long-gone man holding a dark haired baby (he would certainly be let down if he were alive, Kíli feared), Kíli and his brother Fíli on a camping trip as kids, posing with arms flung over each other’s shoulders and big open-mouthed smiles while their uncle stood behind them – he was not smiling, nor was he in any picture that had ever been taken (Kíli wondered if he ever gave him reason to). Next up was a gangly, teenaged Kíli in an oversized graduation gown, hamming it up with a rolled up diploma his mouth, his mother holding in a laugh (she put up with a lot). Then Kíli and Fíli at a New Year's party wearing novelty sunglasses that looked like ‘2016,’ the 0s and 6s encircling two clearly intoxicated pairs of eyes (Kíli owed him so much and would probably never be able to repay him. He didn't mean just money, either). Some random snapshots of a revolving group of friends that moved in and out of his life filled out the rest of the shelf, and... _damnit_! He plucked out the flimsy strip sticking out from the edge of a frame. It was from a photo booth, couple of weeks ago. But it already seemed like a lifetime. Why did he have to be reminded? Kíli ripped up the two happy faces and sprinkled them like confetti into the garbage can. It was definitely over now.

His eye caught the rent bill on the table, now decorated with several days’ worth of coffee stains. _Shit_. He didn’t want to ask his family for money again. His mother would give in, but the loan would come with a lecture: “That’s what happens when you leave a good job, one in the family business, no less, to go chasing wild dreams without a plan to fall back on. Don’t be reckless, honey,” and then she'd discreetly hand him a check for double what he needed. He had to stand on his own two feet. No more leeching, no more begging.

“You're an adult, you have to act like one,” his uncle Thorin would say. Perhaps Thorin would give him another chance. It had been nearly a year since he handed in his resignation letter, holding his breath as his boss - his uncle - silently read it. “Are you sure about this?” he had asked. “This isn't for me,” Kíli confessed, and it hadn't been; but he was desperate now. A final opportunity to prove himself, that's all he could ask for. Oh, and a steady paycheck.

“What do we have in here?” Kíli asked aloud as he opened the fridge. It hummed in response, the dim light flickering to reveal ancient soy sauce packets, an almost-expired container of milk, and a nearly empty pizza box.

“Hmmm, OK then,” he ran his hand through his tangled mess of hair. He wished, in lonely times like these, he had a pet or even a houseplant so he wouldn't be talking to himself; it was somewhat pathetic. He sighed and slammed the fridge shut.

She was right, this place was a dump, Kili realized as he glared at the off white cinder block walls, dull and chipped, so thin you could hear the guy next door sneeze and the people above - well, they were into some weird stuff. He shuffled past the apartment’s single window with its view of the parking garage; not the ocean, as he had desired. For the price he paid, he was lucky to have a window at all. Although occasionally it was interesting, like when the neighborhood crackhead, Gollum, slunk around howling into the night sky. That was entertaining to watch, but still, he would prefer the ocean. He could have moved somewhere else, actually started anew, but Middle City was home. He was tied to it, the same loyalty and commitment that none of his romantic pursuits seemed to want.

Making his way to the tiny bathroom was like an obstacle course. He tripped over a pile of laundry, unsure whether it was dirty or clean. He should clean up, but what was the point? No one was coming around anytime soon. It was becoming more difficult to play the part of the eternal optimist, play it convincingly, anyway. He swayed in front of the water-speckled mirror, resigned to the hair that would never cooperate and the permanent five o'clock shadow. Maybe I should grow a beard, he mulled. Then they would take him seriously. Or not.

Kíli struggled to squeeze the last drops of toothpaste out of the tube. Nothing was easy today. He pulled his phone from his back pocket. It still had some life left at four percent, enough to read through several missed texts while a toothbrush dangled from his mouth. None were messages of reconciliation (it was definitely over) and most he could ignore. But there was one from his brother:

         meet me at noon - Lake Town Café

It was 11:47. _Fuck_.

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Sorry I’m late, I lost track of the time,” Kíli slid into the booth across from his brother. Fíli had been waiting for a while, as indicated by the intensity of his drumming fingers on the table. “I thought you’d be in the office today?”

“Uh, it’s Sunday,” Fíli raised his brow, “Does it look like I’d be in the office?” No, it looked like he was heading to the beach, based on his attire: a bright button down shirt that wasn’t buttoned up very far, shorts, flip flops, and sunglasses perched on top of his blond hair, hair so perfect it could make a little brother - or anybody - envious. He always looked put together, especially compared to Kíli, who was wearing yesterday’s clothes and hadn’t had time for a shower; he still smelled vaguely of alcohol, the old couch, and despair.

“It’s my first day off since,” he counted off on his fingers, “nine days ago.”

“That’s rough,” Kíli empathized.

“You’d know about rough…” Fíli eyed his brother with concern.

Kíli ignored his critique. “What’s good here? I’m starving.”

Fíli lowered the menu from Kíli’s face. “I already ordered for you because I figured you’d be late.”

“Ah, thanks, bro. You’re always thinking ahead. Anyway, what made you request my presence?” He was actually thrilled for the invitation. Fíli had been very busy lately and it was getting harder to fit into his schedule.

“I saw that you updated your status. What happened this time?” he sighed. Kíli’s troubles were his own, whether he wanted them or not.

“It just…ended,” he fidgeted with a salt shaker, not wanting to be reminded again. Hadn’t he spent the night trying to forget?

“I did warn you that this one seemed crazy,” Fíli chided with a told-you-so stare. “What did I tell you about those? They may seem like fun at first, but you should stay away.”

“You were right,” Kíli conceded. He usually was. “I think I may have jumped the gun this time, too.”

“How so?”

“You know, it doesn’t matter now, does it? I think she already moved on, if you look at the pics she posted with her _friend_. Yeah, sure. The guy looks like a complete asshole. Is bleached hair making a comeback or something? What year is it again?”

“Calm down, Kíli. It’s not worth it.”

“No, it’s not.”

Their conversation was interrupted by a “Can I get you anything else?” as the waitress placed two plates in front of them.

“We’re good...oh, can I get a pint of whatever’s on tap for him,” Fíli asked, pointing at Kíli, “He needs it.”

“Sure thing. One of those days, huh?” she smiled at Kíli, and he couldn’t help but return one. She certainly commiserated with his aura of sadness. She was definitely attractive too, Kíli noticed. How could he not?

“Yes, so far, but hopefully it gets better.” He didn’t mean to wink, it happened naturally. It was a reflex.

As soon as she left, Kíli attacked his food, not remembering the last time he had eaten. “You got me extra bacon? I don’t deserve you, man.”

“So, I have a proposal,” Fíli offered, slapping a stubborn bottle of ketchup. “How about you stay single for a little while, hmm?”

“How long would that be?”

“Just...a little while, OK? It works for me. I’ve been loving it,” Fíli replied through gritted teeth.

“Yeah but you’re busy with your _career_ and stuff.”

“And what are you busy with?”

Kíli took offense to the question. Currently, he had absolutely nothing. His shoulders dropped and he appeared even more pitiful as he poked at the remnants of his double bacon burger.

“Look, you’re in a slump,” Fíli assured, “you’ll get out of it. But honestly, you look like shit. Are you not sleeping enough? Drinking too much? If you start taking care of yourself you’ll feel better.” Fíli took the big brother position very seriously.

“No, I…nothing’s been working out.”

“You just need to get your life back on track and _then_ worry about women. You think you can give up the sex until then?”

Kíli leaned over the table, defensive. “It’s not all about that.”

Of course not, he was a serial monogamist, always on the lookout for a relationship above all else. How could Fíli forget? “OK, I’m not implying you’re being a skeezy douchebag, relax. But you do have a problem with getting too attached. Agreed?”

“No shit. And I don’t enjoy being this miserable, you know. It’s not who I am.”

“No, you’re right. The old Kíli might have brushed his hair.”

Something sparked deep within Kíli. “I think I want to start anew,” he declared through a mouthful of fries. “A better me, a more responsible me.”

“Good! See, you just needed a little encouragement and tough love.”

“I might need your help though.”

Fíli’s chewing slowed to a stop. “With what?”

“Maybe you can talk to Thorin? See if he can get me back in?”

“Why can’t you ask him?” Fíli knew how difficult this would be, even just to schedule the time to do so.

“I don’t want to beg. Can you test the waters for me?”

The waitress placed a drink in front of Kíli. “Here’s to a better day.”

“Thanks.” This time he suppressed the winking.

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt,” Fíli said, breaking Kíli’s concentration on the departing waitress. “I can be subtle about it, and if it doesn’t work, you’ll just have to wait until I inherit everything and I appoint you as my right hand man.”

“That would take forever. You know Thorin won’t retire. He’ll drop dead at his desk before that happens. Besides, I really need to stand on my own merit.”

“You’ll get there, eventually.”

“So, how is it at the office? Has anyone snapped yet?”

“No, nothing new…oh, we have casual Fridays now. Well, every other Friday. And by casual I mean we don’t have to wear ties.”

Kíli suddenly remembered how much he hated working there. But he had no choice. He appreciated Fíli’s promises to help. His brother had gotten him out of tons of trouble over the years: taking the blame for every broken vase in their long ago games of pretend sword fight (“It was me, I shoulda been more careful!”), saving him from being expelled over a backfired high school prank (“I swear, Kíli was with me the whole time”), helping with last-minute essays in college (“But I don’t know anything about symbolism in Renaissance poetry! Why the hell did you take this class?”), and countless other situations as time went on and the stakes grew higher. In return, Kíli would give him the shirt off his back - not that he would ever need it, or want it. Fíli’s shirts were way nicer, anyway. One day, he would make it all up to him.

A faint vibration emanated from Fíli’s shorts; he pulled out his phone, then another. “That’s my work one,” he clarified. But he clearly had the outline of a third phone in his shirt pocket. Why did he have so many phones? Kíli wondered. Was Fíli drug dealer? No, not likely. He was just weird.

“Who are you swiping right on?”

“Shut up. I told you, I don’t have time to get back into that right now.”

“Then what’s so interesting?”

“Nothing...hurricane Smaug?” Fíli read aloud, “Where do they come up with these stupid names for the storms? Who’s going to take that seriously? No worries, though. Nowhere near here and at least a week away.” Kíli wasn’t worried, it wasn’t even on his radar.

“Anything else I can get for you? Dessert?” asked Kíli’s new distraction while she cleared their empty plates.

“What kind of pie do you have?” Fíli questioned, a little too excited. He may have chosen this place just for the pie. The brothers’ sweet tooth was legendary.

“Just apple today.”

He visibly wretched at the mention of ‘apple.’ “Nah, we’ll take two of those chocolate nutty sundae things. Walnuts in mine, but not in his, please.”

“Coming right up,” she flashed another smile, which Kíli claimed for himself. Kíli knew flirting, he knew his own game. She was totally flirting.

“It’s on me,” Fíli said, but Kíli was too busy watching her make the rounds. “Kíli!”

“What? She’s cute.”

“Yes, but…single, remember?”

“I can look.”

“You never learn,” Fíli sighed.

“She keeps smiling at me!”

“She smiles at everyone, it’s her job.”

“But she didn’t at you.”

Fíli rubbed his forehead. His charm switch was turned off, thus he appeared attractive yet off limits; uninterested, even if he wasn’t. Fíli had been played before. As a result, he was overly cautious and aloof at any girl batting her eyes at him, or his brother. Especially if she knew of their surname (“No, I’m not one of _those_ Durins,” he’d lie). Kíli, on the other hand, didn’t know how to turn off his charm switch at will. He wouldn’t want to, anyway.

“She feels bad for you! You’re a sulking mess at the moment. Some women like that pitiful stuff, they want to try and save you.”

Kíli shrugged. “Maybe I need saving. Plus she _is_ really cute.”

“You need to save _yourself_ ,” he reminded, “And most likely she’s smiling at you for tips.”

Kíli frowned and tossed a crumpled straw wrapper at him.

“If you don’t stop bickering with me, she’ll think we’re a couple or something,” he teased.

Kíli’s face twisted in disgust. “You’re my goddamn brother, that’s fucking gross!”

“I know it is, I’m just saying how it could come across.” They didn’t look much alike, it was true, especially since Fíli was well groomed and Kíli looked like he resided under a bridge.

“So, on the topic of couples,” Fíli steered the subject away, “I think Thorin is...seeing? What’s the word I’m looking for?

“Canoodling? Who’s our dear uncle canoodling with?” He quite liked that word, even though he had no idea what it was supposed to mean.

“The auditor,” Fíli whispered, “Remember that fussy little fellow?”

“Shit, are you kidding? The bumpkin from Shiretown?”

“Uh huh, that guy. Don’t say anything, obviously, But there’s a lot of gossip going around the company.”

“That’s the one thing I miss about that place. The rumor mill.” They had both been victims of its swift flow before but it had subsided in the last year or so - probably because Kíli was the one who started most of them.

“If it’s true, it might do him good. Maybe he’ll be softened when you come crawling back for a position.”

“Hopefully.”

The cute waitress, who actually didn’t smile at everybody, at least not genuine ones, returned with two obscenely large bowls of ice cream. “Enjoy!”

“Oh, we will,” Kíli promised, staring at the mountain of whipped cream. “Fíli, I think I’m feeling slightly better about it now. The job...more hopeful.” Kíli took a huge spoonful it hovered around his mouth as he thanked Fíli for his help.

Ever vigilant, Fíli saw what had been uncovered from the scoop. “Wait, no!” he yelled, slapping the spoon from his hand. It bounced loudly on the tile floor, causing everyone nearby to monetarily hush their conversations and stare. Kíli’s shirt was covered in whipped cream.

“What’s your problem?!”

“Walnuts!” Fíli shouted, in a proud display of big brother protectiveness.

The waitress rushed back to the commotion. ”Is everything alright, did you spill -”

“You gave him the wrong order,” Fíli explained, trying not to sound too harsh. “He’s allergic to walnuts.”

She threw her hands to her mouth. “Shit! Shit, I am so sorry!” she frantically apologized, tossing napkins at Kíli. “I could have killed you, god, I’m such a crap waitress.”

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it!” Kíli assured. “It wouldn’t have killed me, I would’ve just broken out in hives.”

“Let me get some more napkins,” she swiped up the offending bowl with walnuts, clearly upset over her mistake.

Kíli kicked Fíli under the table. “You didn’t have to make such a big scene!” he hissed.

“I might have overreacted a little.”

“Just a bit. God, you’re so embarrassing sometimes,” Kíli scolded.

“Now you know what it’s like.”

She returned with a new sundae, having regained some composure back in the interim. “No walnuts this time, I promise.”

“Aww, thank you,” Kíli didn’t know whether to look at her or the ice cream. Both were so sweet.

“Sorry again. I hope I didn’t ruin your plans for a better day.”

“Not at all. It’s OK…” Kíli squinted at her nametag. He would have taken note earlier but didn’t want it to seem like he was staring at her chest. “...Kass, it really is.” She blushed at the mention of her name and his calming tone.

“I’m Kíli, by the way. I’m sorry my brother made a mess, he didn’t want to deal with me complaining about rashes and itching.”

“Well, Kíli, it was my pleasure to serve you today. If you come around again, I’ll make sure to keep the walnuts away from you. Have a good one.” She placed the bill down with a final goodbye smile.

“You too,” oops, another wink. Kíli peeked at it; she didn’t charge for the desserts, or his drink. What a sweetheart.

“Leave a big tip,” Kíli ordered, “I feel bad.” He wolfed down his ice cream before Fíli could demand an inspection.

Along with his wallet, Fíli had also pulled out three pocket knives. “In case I lose one,” he had explained once, “They are very useful!” Fíli was always fun at airport security. He stuffed them back into his pocket. Kíli wondered what else he had in there.

“Let’s go over our plans,” Fíli said, spoken like one accustomed to pointless office meetings. ”I’m going to relax today, finally. You’re going to fix up your resume, just in case.”

“OK, got it.” Kíli was a little offended his brother hadn’t asked him along to the beach. He supposed he needed alone time though, a concept Kíli didn’t fully understand.

“Then tomorrow I’m going back to work refreshed and with a clear head and I’m going to talk to Thorin about you and the job. You’re going to stop prowling around. And clean yourself up.”

“Yeah, sounds good. And you need to get laid,” Kíli mumbled under his breath.

Fíli sighed and shook his head. “Dude, come on.”

He left a generous wad of cash on the table and made his way to the door, giving Kíli just enough time to grab the receipt and write:

_Kíli: 555-0813_

****

By the evening, Kíli seemed to have forgotten his vow for a new start, having been distracted by random matters (none of which were important).

Fíli must have had a good day, at least, as evident by his Instagram posts of ocean sunsets. Their mom replied “hope you’re not being worked too hard, honey.” She herself shared images from her daily travels; an art museum in some country Kíli didn’t know existed. Maybe he’d take a selfie to prove to everyone he was OK. But he decided against it; he was currently in his boxers eating cold, four-day-old pizza – not the message he wanted to send. Instead, he commented with a string of emojis.

Now he had the rest of the night to procrastinate. He stared longingly at the busted Xbox coated with a layer of dust; obviously that wasn’t happening. Having long since cut the luxury expenses of cable and Netflix, he flipped through the remaining handful of channels. There was an infomercial promising “Amazing, non-stick action!” and “With this incredible offer, order in the next thirty minutes and get a FREE set of Ever-Sharp knives!” Such a bargain, and Fíli’s birthday was coming up. Too bad Kíli was broke, though. Next up was a documentary about endangered eagles. The narrator’s drab, monotone voice had the power to lull him to sleep. Yet he couldn’t bear to watch the eagle catch the bunny so he switched to a boring drama with dreary people in old-timey hats riding horses on cliff sides. He turned the TV off and let out a deep sigh.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would tweak his resume and figure out how to account for the gap in employment. But Thorin would take him back, he was certain. He wouldn’t abandon his own blood, would he?

His phone beeped. A number he didn’t recognize, a text…

Hey it’s the crap waitress who almost killed you. Just making sure you’re OK - hope your day turned out a lot better ;)

Kíli pumped the air with his fist. He still had it!

 


End file.
